Loaves Actually

Flloyd:                                    Thunder’s Mouth Theatre presents: “Baked Off!” – A Wholemeal - I’m sorry, you’ll have to forgive me, I’m old already. Let me start again!. Welcome to “Baked Off: Li ve, Laugh, Loaves” a Wholesome! Audio Comedy Series about some home-bakers balancing life, work, and relationships—while aspiring to learn the art of making sourdough bread.   Written and produced by the team who make “Am I Old Yet?” And funded by the wonderfully generous folk who are donating to our crowdfunding campaign. There’s a link in the show notes. 

In this episode you’ll meet Duncan, in Scotland, Julianna in England and Margot in Australia as they prepare to join their first online cookery class, if nothing gets in the way… Enjoy!

SCENE 1- SCOTLAND

SUPERMARKET AMBIENCE

TROLLEY'S CLASH.

DUNCAN:                              Ow!!!!!!

HEATHER:                            Oops-a-daisy!

DUNCAN:                              I'm so sorry!  Didn't see you coming round the-

HEATHER:                            Duncan!  Wha' a surprise! Oh, dinnae fesh yersel'.. I'm aye crashing intae folk. In't it fun, bumping intae yer pals in the supermarket!

DUNCAN::                             Yes. Great fun.... How are you Heather?

HEATHER:                            I'm goooood.  What are ye after today?  Something exciting for dinner? You having a dinner party? Would you like me to come over and help oot? Ooh!  Chicken breasts!  And garlic!  Are you going fancy? Chicken Kiev? Or "Keev' I guess we should say the noo, eh?

DUNCAN::                             Oh, I --hadn't thought of that. (HE HAD). No, I'm good thanks Heather. Just me.

HEATHER:                            Och, ye puir soul.  Why don't ye come over tae mines? I'll cook something really nice for ye. Ah know youse fellas today. Ye canna cook for toffee--

DUNCAN::                             Oh! That's so kind.  But no, I'm good. On a Zoom call tonight. Learning how to make Sour Dough Bread.

HEATHER:                            Oooh! Very fancy.  I didnae ken ye were intae the baking!

DUNCAN::                             Just a beginner, I'm curious about it. The science of it, you know... Well, lovely tae see ye, Heather. Take care.

HEATHER:                            Ooh aye.  You too!  Take care.  Let me know if I can help...

DUNCAN:                              Will do... 

SCENE 2. ENGLAND

MUSIC “English Country Garden”

ANGLE GRINDER IN THE BACKGROUND, SCREECHING TO A SLOWDOWN

ADE SHOUTS FROM THE BACK ROOM

ADE:                                       Ow!!! Damn and blast!

SAMMY:                                Mu-um.  Daddy's swearing again.

SAUCEPANS BEING MOVED AROUND

JULIANNA:                            Is he?  Was it really bad swearing?  Or just I'm-a-bit-cross swearing?

ANGLE GRINDER STOPS COMPLETELY

ADE:                                       FFFFFFFIDDLE!

JULIANNA:                            Never mind. I can hear it too.

CLICK AS GAS UNDER FRYING PAN IS SWITCHED ON.

GAS IS FIRING

SIZZLE AS FOOD IS PLACED IN THE PAN

JULIANNA:                            Sammy go and find out what's happening will you sweetheart? 

SAMMY:                                Will do.  Super Sam is On The Case.

CHILD RUNNING OUT OF THE ROOM

SAMMY:                                DA-AD!  Dadda?  Are you ok? Are you bleeding horribly?

ADE:                                       No, thanks for asking Sam. Just a little bit. Ask Mummy to give you a plaster for me, will you?

SAMMY RUNNING BACK TO THE KITCHEN, CALLING AS HE GOES

SAMMY:                                Mu-um!!! Dadda needs another plaster!

JULIANNA:                            Oh lord! [SIGH] Ok.

GAS IS TURNED OFF.

JULIANNA:                            [TO HERSELF] I'm not going to make it in time.

TIN BEING LIFTED FROM A SHELF, AND OPENED.

JULIANNA:                            Here you are.  And tell him to get cleaned up, dinner will be on the table in 10 minutes.

SAMMY:                                Goodie. I'm really hungry. What is it?

JULIANNA:                            You'll find out soon enough.

SAMMY:                                But--

JULIANNA:                            It's stir fried wibbly-wobblies.

SAMMY:                                Oh!  Righto.

JULIANNA:                            Have you finished your homework? You know I can't help you tonight. I've got a Zoom class happening. Cooking class. On the computer--

SAMMY:                                I know. I'll get Daddy.

JULIANNA:                            Good man...

MUSIC

SCENE 3 - SOUNDS OF CAMERAS CLICKING, PEOPLE CLAPPING, CALLING OUT, GENERAL MELANGE OF VOICES IN MARGOT'S NIGHTMARE

                                                Celebrated Australian Chef! Margot Paresky is to join the Great British Menu team as a guest judge...

and in other news,

an exciting new restaurant is to open in Melbourne, Australia, with double Michelin Starred chef Margot Paresky

Margot Paresky, the popular Masterchef judge, will lead the team of chefs preparing the banquet for the Duke and Duchess's visit. 

She trained in France, you know.

Isn't she the one who told Gordon Ramsey where to get off?

Yes she threw him out of the kitchen.

famous Melbourne restaurant closing down

retiring? why? How old is she anyway?

Margot who?

PAPARAZZI [any accent]   Over here Margot!  Give a smile

 Margot, Margot.

PHONE ALARM.

MARGOT:                             O000oh. Oh for Pete's sake! Why are you ringing? 

ALARM CONTINUES

MARGOT:                             Stop! Why won't you stop you stupid thing!  Where's the damned button? Stop! Stop now!!! Ah.

ALARM STOPS

BED CREAKING.

COVERS BEING FLUNG BACK

MARGOT:                             Bring back proper alarm clocks, that's what I say. Stupid phone.  You're a phone! For talking to people. I want my alarm clock back. [SIGH] Brrrr!!! Right. Settle down, you silly old woman.

SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS

WINDOW OPENING

MAGPIES AND AN OCCASIONAL CROW OUTSIDE

MARGOT:                             [BREATHING OUT] Hello birdies.  Thank you for the music. 

EDIE CALLS FROM OVER THE FENCE NEXT DOOR

EDIE:                                      Margot!  Good morning!

MARGOT:                             Oh, hi Edie! What are you doing up at this time of the day?  I thought you had a big night last night?  No? With the book club?

EDIE:                                      I did, but we didn't go on all that late.  Were we making too much noise?  I'm so sorry--

MARGOT :                            Not at all. Didn't hear a thing.  What was the book?

EDIE :                                    "My Brilliant Career"

MARGOT:                             Oh, I love that book, Miles Franklin. Yeah?  Read it when I was a teenager.  Best Aussie book ever - in my not so very humble opinion.

EDIE :                                    Well, they did name the book award after her, so the higher ups must agree with you. 

MARGOT:                             So why are you up at this god-awful hour?

EDIE:                                      I'm heading over to my daughter's to look after the children for the day.

MARGOT:                             Lovely...

EDIE:                                      Yes, it's so nice to be asked.

MARGOT:                             They're all doing well?

EDIE:                                      Yes, growing up so fast.  I won't be able to lift the little-ie for much longer. He's such a weight! No idea what they're feeding him on.  Are you ok? Why are you up at this hour? Shouldn't you be resting?

MARGOT:                             Oh, I am, don't worry. Just - well, I stupidly agreed to give an online cookery class for a--for a friend of a friend.

EDIE:                                      Well, that's great. Is it local?

MARGOT:                             No, she's in England. No idea where the participants will be. You know how these online things go.

EDIE:                                      [MOVING AWAY] Well, don't overdo it!

MARGOT:                             I could say the same to you!

EDIE:                                      Indeed you could. See you later...

MARGOT:                             Later...

SCENE 4 ZOOM CALL

THEME MUSIC

CAROLINE:                          and it's so lovely to see you again, Rosemary! I - I'm thinking you must have enjoyed my last course, because you've come back for more! Am I right?

ROSEMARY:                        er - yeah... That's right. Can you hear me?--

ZOOM DINGS TWICE AS TWO PEOPLE ENTER THE GROUP

CAROLINE:                          Oh, just a minute Rosemary. More people coming in. Hang on while I find the right thingy to click on. Ah! There you are! Margot! At last! How marvellous!! You managed to find your way in through all the technology. Welcome!

MARGOT:                             [SIGH] Yes, so I did! Amazing, isn't it. How do I manage?

CAROLINE:                          This is Margot Paresky, everybody. Chef Extraordinaire! Our special guest for today's session. We're so proud to have you join us, M   argot. All the way from Australia! Are you keeping well, darling? Quite recovered? You poor thing--

MARGOT:                             Quite well enough, thank you Caro. Hello everybody. Have you started yet?

CAROLINE:                          [BIG JOKE] Have we started our starter yet? Not yet. Get it? Started the starter?

FREDDIE :                            [NOT AMUSED] Ha ha ha.

CAROLINE:                          No, well, we're still waiting for a couple of people. Oh, I see we've got - who is it? They make these names so tiny these days, don't you think? Hello! I can see you, new lady! Welcome. Just can't find your name

MARGOT:                             Scroll your cursor over her face, Caro.

CAROLINE:                          [HORRIFIED] Over her face? Really?

MARGOT:                             On the screen, darling. Her name will come up.

CAROLINE:                          Oh! Oh yes. It's Julianna - what a beautiful name. Welcome Julianna! Everybody, give Julianna a welcome wave. It's her first time, isn't it darling?

JULIANNA:                            Ah... yes. My first time here, in your class.

MARGOT:                             But not your first time, baking, is it?

JULIANNA:                            No. I've been baking for... quite a few years now.

DING, NEW ENTRY

CAROLINE:                          Oh! Somebody else wanting to join in. Ah, it's Duncan! Duncan from Scotland!! Isn't that wonderful. What an international crew we are today. Margot in Australia, Duncan in Scotland, the rest of us all over England. The wonders of the internet!

DUNCAN:                              Aye. It's me. Hi everybody. I'm Duncan.

FREDDIE:                             Duncan Donuts!

ROSEMARY:                        Who? Duncan what?

JULIANNA::                          That's a bit rude.

DUNCAN:                              Yes, very good. Dunkin' Donuts. That's me.

CAROLINE:                          Right. Well, that's it, I think we're all here now. Just the five of us today, but we'll manage quite well.

FREDDIE:                             Six.

CAROLINE:                          I'm sorry. What was that?

FREDDIE:                             There's six of us, Caro. You, me, Rosie, Margot, Julianna, /Mr Donut--

CAROLINE:                          /Oh, of course. Yes... Freddie... You're still here... Right let's get started. Now, I've invited my dear friend Margot here today, to introduce us to sourdough bread, and as you all know, she's an expert in the field, with many, MANY many years of experience, and she's kindly agreed to join our little class and help us on our sourdough journey. So if you all put yourselves on mute, Margot, it's over to you.

MARGOT:                             Oh! Ok. I thought I was doing Creme Anglaise, but - hey ho, Sourdough it is...

MARGOT'S DIALOGUE FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND AS JULIANNA'S FAMILY TALK TO HER.

SCENE 5 MARGOT SAMMY JULIANNA

MARGOT:                             .Ok, Let me think about this. There's a lot of nonsense talked about sourdough bread, but actually, it's a quite a bit easier than regular home made bread, unless you've got a bread maker. All you need to get going  is - oh,  flour and water... And something to mix them in... Has anyone here made bread before? Hands up if you have? Ok, let's see... Caro, Rosemary, yes, and... Duncan. But not Freddie... Ok. Good... well you have some idea what you're in for. .. How about you Julianna?  [PAUSE] Julianna?

SAMMY:                                [OUTSIDE THE DOOR] Mum! Mu-um!

DOOR OPENS, CLATTER AS CHILD ENTERS.

MARGOT'S VOICE CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND

SAMMY::                               There you are, Mum!

JULIANNA:                            Shshshshshs! I'm on a call.

SAMMY:                                [WHISPERS]. Sorry. I just need to ask you one thing.

JULIANNA:                            [WHISPERING ] What?

SAMMY:                                Where is Kazikhstan?

JULIANNA:                            Wha- Why? why do you want to know where Kazakhstan is?

SAMMY:                                For school. For tomorrow. Tomorrow morning. It's my team project. I'm the project leader, remember?

JULIANNA:                            Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, Sammy. I don't know. Can't it wait till I finish here? I won't be long. Where's Dadda? Can't you ask him?

SAMMY:                                He's on the phone to Grandma.

JULIANNA:                            Oh. Hang on. I'll try to look it up. What's it called again?

SAMMY:                                Kazakhstan

JULIANNA:                            /Kasakhstan

MARGOT:                             It's in Central Asia, young man, in between Russia and China and some of the other Stans.

JULIANNA:                            What? Oh! Oh I'm so sorry. I forgot to put the mute on.

MARGOT:                             No worries love. You tend to your child, good looking kid by the way.

JULIANNA:                            Oh, [GIGGLES NERVOUSLY] Thank you.

MARGOT:                             What's his name? What's your name, matey?

JULIANNA:                            Go on. Tell her your name.

SAMMY:                                Samuel Kay-ef-i Ojo.

MARGOT:                             Hmm. Good name. Ok, thanks Samuel Kay-ef-i Ojo. Did I say it right?

SAMMY:                                Yeah!!!

MARGO :                               Right-ee-o.  Well Samuel Kayefi Ojo,  you get back to your homework, and let Mum get back to her sourdough bread making.

SAMMY:                                Her wha-?

JULIANNA:                            Tell you later darling. Off you go.

SAMMY:                                Thanks Mum. Thanks Lady!

CHILD EXITING ROOM. DOOR SLAMS

SCENE 6 ZOOM CALL

JULIANNA:                            Sorry about that. Muting now.

MARGOT:                             Not a problem. Now, where was I? Oh yes, plain flour, don't waste money using the strong bread flour stuff for your starters. Good old plain flour. All Purpose flour if you're in the US of A.  It's got all the good little bugs in there, that will mix with the bugs in the air in the jar to grow it for you.

CAROLINE:                          [INTERRUPTING, SO SWEETLY] Margot?

MARGOT:                             Caro? [MIMICING HER]

CAROLINE:                          They're not actually... bugs, are they? As in.. bacteria?

MARGOT:                             Oh yes. Actual bugs. Bacteria in the air plus yeast, which is a single-celled organism of the fungi family, forming a little community, working together as a team if you like, to grow your starter. Good bacteria, obviously. If you do get any bad ones in there, you'll smell them pretty quick smart. Any more questions?

JULIANNA:                            When you say fungi, do you mean... like... mushrooms?

MARGOT:                             Exactly like mushrooms.

JULIANNA:                            Gosh!

CAROLINE:                          Well, we've been going for 5 minutes, maybe we can break out into our little groups now, to have a chat, share some thoughts, maybe ask some question about what we've heard so far. Is that alright with you Margot?

MARGOT:                             You're the boss Caro.

CAROLINE:                          Right. Well, I'm sending you all a link to click on, and we'll have, let me see...

MARGOT:                             Oh! Hang on Caro!  Can I choose?

CAROLINE :                         Of course Margot.  Who would like in your group?

MARGOT:                             I'll go with - um - Julianna? And Duncan. OK?

CAROLINE:                          Oh. [NOT HAPPY] Very well. That leaves me with Freddie and Rosemary,  Is that all right everybody? Good. Lots of happy waving hands with thumbs up. You make my life so easy.

SCENE 7 BREAKOUT ROOM

DUNCAN:                              Well I'm here. What next? -- Oh. Hello! Julianna? Hi. I'm Duncan.

JULIANNA:                            Hi Duncan. [NERVOUS LAUGH] How are you?

DUNCAN:                              Pretty good. Interesting stuff eh?

JULIANNA:                            Oh yes. I've been curious about it for a while. Never had the time, though.

DUNCAN:                              I know what you mean. It seems so threatening. All those days of preparation?

MARGOT:                             Yes, but you only have to do it the once. Hello again.

JULIANNA:                            Hi Margot

DUNCAN:                              Hello

MARGOT::                            Yes, If you're sensible, keep a stock in the fridge. Or the freezer.

DUNCAN:                              So you don't have to do the whole daily process, every day?

MARGOT:                             Not at all. Once it's got a good start,   keep it in the fridge till you need to bake. Or take it out and feed it once a week. So, tell, me. What on earth brought you here? To Caro's so-called Bake School?

(  = JULIANNA AND DUNCAN SPEAK TOGETHER

DUNCAN:                              /I just thought it would be a fun thing to do--

JULIANNA:                            /It seemed like a way to get started

DUNCAN:                              /Oh, sorry, you first--

JULIANNA:                            /-- no you go--

MARGOT:                             Right, Julianna, you first.

JULIANNA:                            Well, I needed something different, you know, something a bit challenging to try.

MARGOT:                             You having a bit of a hard time, are you?

JULIANNA:                            [SIGH] Not really... Just... well... yes. It's me age, you know.

DUNCAN:                              Your age? You're not /all that--

JULIANNA:                            /Old. I know. I'm -- I'm mmmmmiddle aged.

MARGOT:                             She's menopausal, Duncan. Get with the programme.

DUNCAN:                              Oh, I see! Sorry. Yes. So sorry.

MARGOT:                             Duncan, you're not English. Are you?

DUNCAN:                              Definitely not.

MARGOT:                             Then stop apologising like an Englishman.

DUNCAN:                              Oh! [LAUGH] Sorry. Oh [BIG LAUGH] I did it again.

MARGOT:                             Of course you did. Never mind. Now you know. And you, Missy. Nothing to be ashamed of. Just where you're at. Eh?

JULIANNA:                            So true. Just where I'm at.

MARGOT:                             And you thought making sourdough bread would help you to feel, what? Creative? Active? Challenged?

JULIANNA:                            All of the above. Not that I'm not challenged, to be fair, got loads of challenges. I just thought it was time to challenge myself, Yes! Challenge myself, rather than, just being challenged all the time by other people.

CAR PULLS UP WITH SCREECHING BRAKES

JULIANNA:                            What's that?

DUNCAN:                              Hang on a minute. [MOVES AWAY] I think that's Heather, my cougar landlady. 

 FOOTSTEPS AND LIGHT SWITCH.

JULIANNA:                            Oh!  [PAUSE] He's turned the light off.

FOOTSTEPS RETURNING

MARGOT:                             Interesting. Surely he's paid the rent!

DUNCAN:                              [COMING BACK] I most certainly have!  Had to put the light out, do you mind? She'll go away eventually.

MARGOT:                             Oh. Ok.  So now we know who's challenging you.

DUNCAN:                              [LAUGHS] She's a challenge, right enough. Although, to be honest, it's more my friends at the moment.

MARGOT:                             Gosh. How do your friends challenge you?

DUNCAN:                              They keep getting married. Having babies. And they don't understand why I'm not. Ye know. Joining their club.

JULIANNA:                            And you thought sourdough bread would make a difference? To your life?

DUNCAN:                              Yeah? Worth a try? Why not? I've tried sky-diving, scuba diving--

CAR REVS AND MOVES OFF

JULIANNA:                            Are you kidding?

DUNCAN:                              Not at all.

JULIANNA:                            Did you enjoy it?

DUNCAN:                              Absolute blast. Love it. Pretty much every weekend, one or the other. Thought I'd try something different.

MARGOT:                             Well, I'm impressed, if nobody else is.

JULIANNA:                            I'm beyond impressed. Speechless. Oh, there's a time up thingy on the screen, we have to leave. Lovely to meet you both.

DUNCAN:                              Likewise. See you on the other side [DOOM VOICE]

MARGOT:                             Too right! [LAUGHS] Good luck!

SCENE 8 ZOOM CALL

CAROLINE:                          Oh there you are. We've been waiting for you. Did you come up with some lovely questions for Margot?

JULIANNA:                            [TOGETHER] /Oh. Was that what (we were supposed to be doing)--

DUNCAN:                              [TOGETHER] /Well, we (never got round to it) --

MARGOT:                             They certainly did. We had a lovely chat about what to do if your starter turns pink.

CAROLINE:                          How interesting. And what do you do? If your starter turns orange - Oh! I mean pink.

MARGOT:                             You throw it in the bin, Caro. If it turns orange, or pink. Put it in the bin. Straight away. Start again.

CAROLINE:                          Oh. That explains it.

FREDDIE:                             What? What Caro? What does it explain?

CAROLINE:                          Oh nothing. No! No idea why I said that. Now, Let's get back to Margot, and what happens next. After we've got the flour and the water all ready to mix together.

MARGOT:                             Well, before we go there, are there any questions?

DUNCAN:                              Yes, I've got a question. I was wondering, What kind of water should we use?

FREDDIE                              Well, that's a bit obvious, isn't it? The wet kind!

ROSEMARY SNIGGERS

CAROLINE:                          Now, Freddie. You know the rules. You must put your hand up if you want to say something.

DUNCAN:                              Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realise...

CAROLINE:                          Not you, Duncan. I was talking to Freddie.

DUNCAN:                              Oh, sorry.

MARGOT:                             Duncan! What did I say? Short term memory loss? And in one so young.

JULIANNA:                            That's a bit mean, isn't it?

DUNCAN:                              It's ok. She's having a dig at me. I can take it.

MARGOT:                             Good. Someone here has a sense of humour. Now, back to your question Duncan. What kind of water? Good question. Not tap water. Too full of - whatsits - chemicals? Minerals? Whatever it is they use to make it safe to drink. Bit like the stuff they put in swimming pools, what the heck is it called? Makes your hair turn green...

JULIANNA:                            Chlorine.

MARGOT:                             Chlorine!!! Thank you so much, Julianna. Right, so, don't use the water straight from the tap.  Bottled water should be ok. Or filter it. I just boil it, let it cool to around 45 degrees centigrade. Works for me!

ROSEMARY:                        How do you measure that? That 45 degrees thing?

FREDDIE:                             Stick your finger in it. If it burns, it's too hot.

CAROLINE:                          Oh very helpful Freddie, I don't think. If you're just going to be silly, I'll have to mute you.

MARGOT:                             No, don't do that, Caro. Freddie's just trying to be helpful, aren't you, mate?

FREDDIE:                             eh... Ye-ep!

MARGOT:                             Although that said, I don't advocate sticking your finger into water that's just been boiled. If you don't have a thermometer - and, hey!  if you're going to be baking bread, you're gonna have to get one sooner or later, so that you can test whether it's cooked or not. But for water, you want it to be around room temperature, or tepid. Just warm.[SIGH] Not like it is here.

CAROLINE:                          Well you are in the tropics, Margot!

MARGOT:                             Sub tropics, if you please Caro. We are below the Tropic of Capricorn.

ROSEMARY:                        What's the Tropic of Capsicum?

FREDDIE:                             [SNIGGERS] Capsicum!

MARGOT:                             Capricorn. It's an imaginary line of latitude that says we are below it, so we are not in the Tropics and so it shouldn't be as hot as it would be if we were north of it. Although it doesn't feel like it's doing its job just now, it's very hot in here. Hang on, I'll just open another window. Sorry about the noise folks!

SHE WALKS TO A WINDOW, PUSHES IT WIDE OPEN AND WE HEAR BIRDS AND LIGHT TRAFFIC

Oh, that's better.

COMING BACK INTO THE ROOM]

[BEGIN SLURRING SPEECH] Sorry about that, folks.  Now.  Where were we?

CAROLINE:                          Are you alright Margot darling? You do look a bit flushed.

MARGOT:                             So would you, Caro darling, if you were in 30 odd degrees centigrade at 7 o'clock in the morning..

Duncan:                                 Oh gosh, that is warm.

JULIANNA:                            Would you like to take a bit of a break, Margot? We don't mind, do we?

MARGOT:                             It's ok, thanks Julianna. Let's keep going... Where were we? [MUTTERS TO HERSELF]. Water. We did water. Flour, we did that too. What comes next?

FREDDIE:                             I could do with a cuppa.

ROSEMARY:                        Me too. Green tea for me thanks Freddie!

MARGOT:                             Oh yes.  Quantities. I suggest you start off with 75 grams of each. Or 2 1/2 oz in old money. And don't tell me you don't have any scales, because it's damn near impossible to make decent sourdough bread without accurate measurements. So if you don't have scales, get some. Loads of cheapo ones out there. Digital. Very easy. But make sure you get one with an on/off switch.

ROSEMARY:                        Why so? Why not one of those gorgeous copper ones, with the little weights that you put in the opposite bowl. They look so cute, don't they? Goin' up and down.

MARGOT:                             You do that if you want to. Load of phaffing about, if you ask me. But your choice. So. Measure out the flour and the water, tip them into a good sized jar, The jar should only be about 1/3 full. Mix the flour and water together quite roughly. I use a wooden chopstick, does the trick. Doesn't have to be smooth, the yeast will smooth it out for you, once it gets going.

JULIANNA:                            That's what they say about life, isn't it?

MARGOT:                             I'm sorry? What was that?

JULIANNA:                            Oh, I was just being a bit facetious. Ignore me. Please! I'm feeling a bit silly. Don't know what came over me.

MARGOT:                             It didn't sound so silly... to me. Mix up whatever ingredients you are working with, and let life smooth the bumps out as you go.

JULIANNA:                            Or not...

DUNCAN:                              I agree. Or not.

MARGOT:                             Actually, me too. Or not. Yes. It takes time for the lumps and bumps to get smoothed out. And then, just like the sourdough starter, you have to tip some of it out, add in some more of the good stuff, and start again. If you got any left, that is.

ROSEMARY:                        Is that what you do? After you've mixed the flour and water, tip some of it out and add some more in? That sounds so weird!

MARGOT:                             Oh, sorry darling. I shouldn't be mixing my metaphors at this stage. With your sourdough starter, let's get right back to that, shall we? When you've mixed your first lot of flour and water together, you put it in a jar, with a loose lid. And make sure it's only  about a third full with the starter. And don't tighten that lid .  And when you put the jar somewhere warm-ish, maybe on a shelf in the kitchen, and leave it there till the next day.

ROSEMARY:                        A whole day?

MARGOT:                             Yes,  Leave it overnight, [SIGH. SHORT OF BREATH. SLURRING SPEECH] Oh dear, it's not getting any looser in here.

FREDDIE:                             Looser! She said looser! I think she's losing it!

CAROLINE:                          Freddie! Really! that is not kind. Margot? Shall we go back to our breakout rooms?

DUNCAN:                              I think we should. Same ones as before?

CAROLINE:                          Oh! I don't know... Oh wait, yes, it has to be the same ones as before. Sorry about that. Next time, you will be with different people. But for now. There you are.

KEY STROKES

SCENE 9  BREAKOUT ROOM

JULIANNA:                            Duncan! I think something's wrong. She doesn't sound right, does she?

DUNCAN:                              No she does not. Do you think it's heat stroke? Or a heart attack?

JULIANNA:                            Could be. Oh I do hope she joins in /here.

MARGOT::                            Here I am. Sorry. Caro held me up. Silly woman. Married to a very nice man who happens to be my godson. I really don't know why I bother. But she asked me, and I wanted to do Something! Rather than nothing.

JUILIANNA:                          Oh, you sound ok now. Are you ok? We were getting worried about you.

MARGOT:                             Why? Because I was hot and bothered? I'm always hot and bothered.

DUNCAN:                              No, not at all. Because you were slurring your speech.

MARGOT:                             Was I? Really? Oh no. oh Yes. I was, wasn't I? Just for a minute there. Am I doing it now?

JULIANNA:                            No. You sound fine. Do you feel fine?

MARGOT:                             Not really. I want to lie down. And I've only been up for an hour.

JULIANNA:                            Well, to be honest, Margot. I think you should. Don't worry about us, you've given us lots to get started. Do you have someone there with you?

MARGOT:                             No. I'm on my own here [SHE IS STARTING TO STRUGGLE FOR BREATH]

DUNCAN:                              Is there someone we can call for you? Give us a phone number. Please Margot, you need someone there with you.

MARGOT:                             [SLURRING' I know. I do. Call Dr Arthur Brownlow. Google. West End. Brisbane.

JULIANNA:                            I'm looking it up.

Duncan:                                 Me too.

JULIANNA:                            Margot, go to bed. Lie down. We'll get him for you.

DUNCAN:                              Got it. Calling now.

MARGOT:                             Thass so kind. Sank you. Going now.

THUMP AND SLIDE AS SHE DROPS FROM HER CHAIR TO THE FLOOR

UNDERSCORING DRONE

DUNCAN:                              Hello? ... Ah hello. Could I speak to Dr Arthur Brownlow please? ... Hello, Dr Brownlow, Margot Paresky needs you, now, we think she's having a heart attack, or a stroke. ...

CAROLINE ENTER THE ZOOM ROOM AND TALKS OVER DUNCAN

JULIANNA:                            Tell him she collapsed.

DUNCAN:                              We were on a Zoom call, and she's collapsed. Can you get to ... oh good. Thank you so much.

CAROLINE:                          Hello everybody! How are you getting on? Margot, are you there? Margot! We can't see you darling? What are you doing? Did you slip out for a wee glass of wine?

JULIANNA:                            No Caroline. She's unwell.

CAROLINE:                          Oh no! But we haven't finished the session. We've still got ten minutes to go.

JULIANNA:                            Well, that's such a shame! But we'll just have to carry on without her.

CAROLINE:                          Margot! Margot! Darling you have to come back and finish the session. I've paid good money for this, you just can't let me down like this!

JULIANNA:                            Duncan! What's happening?

DUNCAN:                              The doctor said he lives nearby, he'll head straight over.

JULIANNA:                            Oh thank goodness. But - how can we find out how she gets on? Did you give him your number?

DUNCAN:                              He should have it on his phone. And of course, Caroline, you will have Margot's contact details, won't you?

CAROLINE:                          Yes, but I can't possibly give them to you. That would be a breach of confidentiality. You can't just hand over someone's contact details willy nilly. You should know that, Duncan.

DUNCAN:                              But--

JULIANNA:                            Of course, Caroline. You're absolutely right. You can't.

CAROLINE:                          Oh I'm so glad you understand, Julianna. Now, times up! Let's go back to the rest of the group. Although I've no idea how I'm going to /manage.

JULIANNA:                            Duncan! Send me your phone number in the cha--

SCENE 10 ZOOM CALL

CAROLINE:                          Well, here we all are, back again. Let's crack on, shall we?

ROSEMARY:                        No, Margot isn't back yet.   I think we should wait for her. I like Margot.

FREDDIE:                             Me too.

ROSEMARY:                        Really. You were quite rude to her.

FREDDIE:                             Me? I was just have a bit of a joke. She can take it. Can't she Caro?

CAROLINE:                          Yes. Yes of course she can. But she's not here, and she won't be back.

FREDDIE:                             What! Not ever? Did she drop dead or what?

EVERYBODY:                      [OUTRAGED! Freddie!!!!

MUSIC. END

FLLOYD                                That was, “Loaves Actually” Episode 1 of Baked Off! Life, laugh, loaves.   You heard, in the order you heard them: As Duncan - Christopher McDougall, Wendy Lap as Heather, Tayo Aluko as Ade, Frankii Phoenix as Sammy, Erika Sanderson as Julianna, Flloyd Kennedy as Margot, and Edie.  Caroline is played by Andrea Richardson, Rosemary by Wendy Lap, and Freddie by Roy R Carruthers.

                                                The music is composed, arranged and performed by John T La Barbera.

                                                I want to thank everyone who has donated to our crowdfunding campaign already - including Marvin Yueh, Russ More, John Gilmore, Felicia Dominguez, Ania Lichtarowicz Michael Hudson, Anke McLean, Kris Plowman, Vic from Mic’s Podcast Club, Iain Kennedy and Aurelia Kennedy.

The link to contribute is crowdfundr.com/bakedoffthepodcast. There are perks and rewards aplenty for taking part in this hair-raising enterprise.  Thank you so much. Stay safe.