Fantastic Yeasts and Where to Find Them

Episode 5

INTRO

Flloyd:                                    Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents: "Baked Off! Live Laugh Loaves". Episode 5.  We catch up with Duncan in Edinburgh, off to enjoy a brisk walk at the seaside with his pal from Uni days, while over in Brisbane, Margot tries to convince her Doctor and old friend Arthur that something fishy is going on in his practice. In Liverpool, Julianna seems to be gaining in confidence where her bread making is concerned, and Caroline is apparently delighted with everyone's progress. Enjoy

SCENE 1  SCOTLAND - Duncan, Malcy

DUNCAN:                          Let's face it, the weather is pretty awful, I doubt the plane would get off the ground today. How about we head over to Portobello for a walk in the breeze and a pint. I could do with some of that fresh air.

MALCY:                             [ON THE PHONE] Plenty of that at Portobello, that's for sure, You gonnae bring a picnic again? I can pick up a few cans. Whet the whistle as we go, and then hit the pub.

DUNCAN:                           That works for me. I've a fresh loaf just out of the oven. Are you thinking of driving over?

MALCY:                              Oh yeah. Cannae be doing with buses if I can help it. Pick you up in about an hour, ok?

DUNCAN:                            Great. See you.

Scene 2 - Australia - Arthur, Edie, Margot

BANGING ON DOOR

ARTHUR:                              Margot!  Margot!

EDIE:                                      [FROM ACROSS THE FENCE] What is it?  Are you looking for Margot?

ARTHUR:                              Yes, sorry to bother you. She phoned me, asked me to come over. Now she's not answering.

MARGOT:                             [ALSO ACROSS THE FENCE] That's because I'm not there, Arthur.

ARTHUR:                              Oh.  Well, for goodness sake, why didn't you say you were going out?

MARGOT:                             Because next door at Edie's doesn't count as going out.

EDIE:                                      We're just having a cuppa on the verandah.  Would you like to join us?

ARTHUR:                              Oh... Yes, alright. How do I... oh, (through the gate.

EDIE:                                      Through the gate. [LAUGHS]

BIRDSONG

MARGOT:                             Of course I'm alright. What made you think I wasn't?

ARTHUR:                              You sounded quite distressed. 

MARGOT:                             Did I?

ARTHUR:                              You did.

MARGOT:                             That's because I was worried about you.  Not me. I'm fine.

ARTHUR:                              And why are you worried about me?  I'm fine.

MARGOT:                             No you're not.

ARTHUR:                              Am so

MARGOT:                             No you're not.

EDIE:                                      Alright children.  Settle down. Goodness me. 

ARTHUR:                              Well she started it.

MARGOT:                             Me?  You're the one--

ARTHUR:                              I'm perfectly fine. I've no idea why you suddenly decided I'm not--

MARGOT:                             Of course you don't have any idea. You haven't been paying attention--

ARTHUR :                             What are you on about, woman--

EDIE:                                      Hey, hey hey!  That's enough.  Somebody has a problem, and you need to figure out who it is.

MARGOT:                             It's him

ARTHUR:                              Margot will not take my advice.

MARGOT:                             I do so.  What am I doing that's going against your advice?

ARTHUR:                              All this talk about skydiving.

EDIE:                                      Skydiving!!

MARGOT:                             All I said was that it sounded like a lot of fun.

EDIE:                                      And what brought this on?

MARGOT:                             It was one of the people on the cookery course.  You know, that crazy online one I'm running for Caroline.

EDIE:                                      Yes?  And?

MARGOT:                             Well, he goes skydiving, regularly, and I just happened to mention it to Arthur, and I said it sounded like a lot of fun.

EDIE:                                      Which doesn't necessarily mean that you are about to take it up?

MARGOT:                             We-ell... I might have implied, just vaguely--

ARTHUR:                              She said she wouldn't mind having a go.  And I said, absolutely not! Under any circumstances .

MARGOT:                             And I said, 'says who?' And he goes all patronising and 'I am your medical adviser'

ARTHUR:                              Patronising!!!

MARGOT:                             Yes. Treating me like a child.

ARTHUR:                              [MUMBLES] If the cap fits--

EDIE:                                      Alright.   I can see where the problem is there.  But Margot, what is the problem that you think Arthur has?  If you don't mind my asking, Arthur. Is it personal?

ARTHUR:                              Not where Margot is concerned.  She seems to have got it into her head that my business is under threat.  My own practice!  That I set up myself! That I have been running very successfully for the past 20 odd years.

MARGOT:                             But you are not running it now. Wiley Coyote Billy Askew is running it. Into the ground.  And you are too stubborn, too stuck in your own little fantasy world to see it. It's bleeding obvious to anyone with half a brain, isn't it Edie?

ARTHUR:                              Really?  Are you implying that Edie has half a brain?

MARGOT:                             Oh very funny, of course not.  You've seen it, haven't you, down at the surgery, how Billy is diverting all the patients to himself and Raman, away from Arthur.

EDIE:                                      Well, I did wonder...

MARGOT:                             You see?  You see???

ARTHUR:                              What?  What exactly did you see, Edie?

EDIE:                                      Well, I was there last Thursday to pick up my prescription, and these two people came in, one at a time, both asking for you, and both times, Hilary said you weren't in, and she sent them to William, But you were in. You arrived just before me.

ARTHUR:                              Oh...

MARGOT:                             And I told you, that is precisely what she tried to do with me. And William-- i.e. Billy-- telling me HE is the senior partner

ARTHUR:                              He what?

MARGOT:                             Arthur, I told you this.  I told you this when it happened .  Is it your memory?  Maybe bold Billy has a point...

ARTHUR:                              No!  No it's not my memory. I just thought you were exaggerating, being overly protective of me. I never thought it was--

MARGOT:                             True.  No, you didn't..  But it is. So what are you going to do about it?... Eh?

ARTHUR:                              I, uh... I don't know.  I'll have to think about it...

MARGOT:                             And I'll have a think about the sky-diving.

EDIE:                                      Oh no! [LAUGHING]

ARTHUR:                              Don't you dare!

MARGOT:                             So who's going to stop me.

ARTHUR AND EDIE:          I am/I will

MARGOT:                             Right.  You and whose army?

SCENE 3 - Scotland - Malcy, Duncan, Heather

IN THE CAR

MALCY:                              So I sez, "who is the one with the qualifications in this room?" And he sez, "whatcha mean?" And I sez, "who has the degree in Computer Science, not to mention 6 years experience working in this IT department? Is it you, or is it me?

DUNCAN:                           That's a bit bold of you, isn't it? Talking to the boss like that? How did he take it 

MALCY:                              He sez "Oh, yer right. Sorry mate. I guess you probably know more about this stuff than I do."

DUNCAN:                           Well that's ok then!

MALCY:                              Aye. And then he sez "but this guy in the email, he says you just click on the link and it takes you right to the instructions". Click on the link in the email!!! Are You **** kidding me?!! I sez "Naw ye dinnae." He sez "What do you mean?" I sez "Naw ye dinnae! Ye dinnae click on a link in an email that some random guy sent you, that you met on Youtube! Ye just dinnae dae that!!"

DUNCAN:                           And what did he say to that?

MALCY:                              He sez "why not? Why don't I click on a link in the email? What's wrong with that? Isn't what they are for? Links are supposed to make it easier for us to do stuff, to find stuff, aren't they?" Aargh! Give me strength. The idiot!!!

DUNCAN:                            Hey, watch the road, mate

MALCY:                              Oops. Sorry. But sheesh! It makes me so mad! Guy in his position, in charge of the IT department, doesn't even know better than to click on a link in a random email. If I hadn't caught him at it, we'd have probably had the whole department locked into some ransomware scam, and no way out of it. Coz the firm does not have a lot of money sitting around with nothing better to do than pay scammers.

DUNCAN:                           Course not. So did he get the message?

MALCY:                             He did, after I took him for a beer or five, and banged his head against a few walls on the way.

DUNCAN:                          Metaphorically speaking, I'm thinking?

MALCY:                             Oh sure. No actual violence. Although I was sorely tempted. I'd've been out of job, in no time. Why do they put these idiots in positions of power? That's what I want to know. He was running the print room before. And they promoted him to head of IT!

DUNCAN:                          It's pretty common. Promote people to get rid of them. Sad fact. But true. But do you think he's listening to you?

MALCY:                             Dunno. Hope so. He's not a bad bloke. Just doesn't seem to be very clued up. Here we are.

CAR PULL UP IN CARPARK.

Ah, there's Heather.

DUNCAN:                           Heather??? What's she doing here?

MALCY:                              I asked her. You don't mind do you?

DUNCAN:                           Oh. [HE SURELY DOES MIND]. Not at all.

CAR DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING

Hi Heather!

SEA AND WIND. CHILDREN ON BIKES AND SCOOTERS

HEATHER:                         Hi there! Good to see you. You ok? You don't mind me tagging along do you?

DUNCAN:                          Not at all. Lovely to see you. You well?

HEATHER:                          Ah'm always well, Duncan. You know that. Nothing bugs me. Well, nothing much.

MALCY:                             Shall we head north, or south?

HEATHER:                         I'm going this way.

MALCY:                              Well, that decides it!

HEATHER:                         Malcy says you've brought sandwiches. Ah'm fair starvin'!

MALCY:                              Yeah. He's quite the baker, you know. Have you tried his sourdough bread?

HEATHER:                         No, I've not had the pleasure. But I'm keen to sample it. I'm sure he's very good at it. He's soo good at everything he touches, aren't you Duncan?

DUNCAN:                              Oh I wouldn't say that.

HEATHER:                         Naw, course you wouldnae ! You're much too modest. Not like Malcy, eh?

MALCY:                              Me? I'm the most modest person I know. Did you think I was boasting last night? I wouldnae dae tha'--

HEATHER:                         Not at all darlin'. I was joking!

MALCY:                              Oh. Hehehe. I knew that. [HE DIDN'T]

DUNCAN'S PHONE RINGS

DUNCAN:                           Oh, sorry. I need to take this.

MALCY:                              That's alright. We'll wait here.

HEATHER:                         Wait here in this wind? No way! I need to keep moving. Aren't you cold?

MALCY:                                 I'm ok thanks.

DUNCAN:                              No, you two keep going, I'll catch you up, eh?

HEATHER:                            Come On, Malcy!

 MALCY:                                Oh, right, maybe see you on the way back, eh?

DUNCAN:                             Sure. Hello? Julianna?

SCENE 4 - Duncan, Julianna, Sammy

You ok?

JULIANNA:                           [ON THE PHONE] Sure. You ok? Is this - do you have time just now?

DUNCAN:                              Absolutely. You've rescued me.

JULIANNA:                            What from?

DUNCAN:                           My new/old best mate fae uni, and my cougar landlady. They seem to have paired up, and I've been dragged along to play gooseberry on a walk in the freezing wind off the North Sea.

JULIANNA:                         Oh poor you. But why?

DUNCAN:                           I have absolutely no idea. They certainly don't need a chaperone. Or want one. I think Malcy just thought I needed some company, so he's dragged me out of the house.

JULIANNA:                         And do you?

DUNCAN:                           Do I what?

JULIANNA:                         Need company--need to be dragged out of the house?

DUNCAN:                           Not really. But we had planned to go sky-diving today, and the weather is pretty bad, and I thought, well, to be fair, I was the one who foolishly assumed that Malcy needed some company, so I suggested a walk . But I had no idea he was bringing Heather along.

JULIANNA:                         So what would you have been doing otherwise?

DUNCAN:                           Probably baking.

JULIANNA:                         Really? What? More sourdough bread?

DUNCAN:                           No, I've plenty, baked a couple of loaves yesterday, froze one

JULIANNA:                        Sounds as though you've graduated already. After 4 weeks. Well done. So what's next?

DUNCAN:                          I thought I'd try something else, maybe bagels. Have you ever made them?

JULIANNA:                        I have not. Are they harder than sourdough?

DUNCAN:                           Probably easier, just, well, a few extra steps.

JULIANNA:                         Well, good luck with that!

DUNCAN:                           How about you? How did you get on with your sourdough homework?

JULIANNA:                         Meh, it's ok.

DUNCAN:                           Is it getting eaten?

JULIANNA:                         Oh yes! No worries there.

DUNCAN:                           Well, then. I'd say you've pretty much graduated. With honours

JULIANNA:                         Oh I don't know about that.

DUNCAN:                           Jules, you need to get over this habit of doing yourself down. You are doing really, really well. I'm impressed - at both of us, to be honest.

JULIANNA:                         So can we agree that we've maybe graduated from First Grade?

DUNCAN:                           I can live with that.

JULIANNA:                         Do you think we should maybe slip up a bit, to let the others catch up with us? Ooh! That sounds so arrogant!

DUNCAN:                           [LAUGHS] No it does not! It actually sounds very compassionate. I'm tempted. But then we don't know where Margot might take us, even further, if we just stay honest

JULIANNA:                         Good point. I was only half joking.

DUNCAN:                           Good. So, how's the family? Sammy ok?

JULIANNA:                        He's ok. Had a cold this week, but he's coping. Ade has it now, and he's not coping well. Man flu..... Am I allowed to say that. Do you find that offensive?

DUNCAN:                          Nope. I know exactly what you mean. I get it myself. Definitely man flu, never the common cold. And, er, your sister? Angelica.. is it?  How is she?

JULIANNA:                         Oh.... Kind of you to ask. She's... she's ok. But I do worry about her.

DUNCAN:                           Why so?

JULIANNA:                        Oh, because she seems to be stuck in a rut with this job at Tesco's. She could have auditioned for a touring production of "Hello Dolly" last week, but she wouldn't even try for it. Reckons she's out of practice, wouldn't be good enough.

DUNCAN:                          Is there any possibility that 'not being good enough' runs in the family?

JULIANNA:                        [LAUGHS]. Oh my! It's a definite maybe from me. I'll have to pass that on to her.

SAMMY:                             [IN THE BACKGROUND]. Mu-um!

JULIANNA:                         Oops. Better go. Enjoy your walk!

DUNCAN:                           Will do. Take care. See you tomorrow!

SCENE 5 - ZOOM - CAROLINE, MARGOT, JULIANNA, DUNCAN, FREDDIE, ROSEMARY

CHATTER AS EVERYONE SAYS HELLO, HOW ARE YOU, YES, GOOD THANKS.

CAROLINE:                        and it's just marvellous to see how well you are all doing. Isn't it, Margot?

 MARGOT:                         Oh yes, Caro, very impressive. Pretty talented bunch you've got here.

 CAROLINE:                      Especially Duncan! Isn't he just marvellous? His loaves look so professional, don't they?

ROSEMARY:                     He should be a real baker, shouldn't he? In a bakery shop. Like Greggs, maybe.

CAROLINE:                        Oh I don't think so! Not like Greggs. I think he's much better than Greggs, don't you Margot?

MARGOT:                           Well I--

CAROLINE:                        Oh perhaps you don't remember Greggs, do you Margot. It's like.a...like a...

 JULIANNA:                        It's like a chain selling bread and stuff. Pastries.

FREDDIE:                           Vegan sausage rolls.

 ROSEMARY:                     No!!!

 JULIANNA:                        Or maybe it's a franchise. Don't they have them in Australia, Margot?

 MARGOT:                         I know what a Greggs bakery is, thank you. And I think I agree with Caroline--

 FREDDIE:                         That makes a change.

 MARGOT:                          [SNIGGERS] I think Duncan's baking is probably better than what you'll get in the average high street bakery store. You all are. But that's because you're making them one, or maybe two at a time, not in bulk. Not using heavy machinery to mix them. It's just like most cookery, home made is usually better quality, better ingredients, more love invested in them than shop bought.

 DUNCAN:                         But what about the specialist bakeries, Margot. Where the baker makes everything on site, sells straight to the public.

 MARGOT:                         Ah now that's a different kettle of fish. They are a very mixed bag, but you can strike it lucky. There are some truly excellent local bakers out there if you know where to look.

JULIANNA:                         I know one here in Merseyside. Lovely stuff. It's a cafe really, but the chef makes all his own bread. Absolutely gorgeous. I got chatting with the chef one time, and he said I should give it a go myself. That's why I joined the course.

Margot:                                  Is that your mate Cory?

Julianna:                                Oh yes, sorry. I forgot I'd mentioned him already. (That's so annoying)

Margot:                                  So what's the cafe called in case I'm ever passing through Liverpool.

Julianna:                                Nickel City Kitchen, and it's in New Brighton.

Freddie:                                 Yeah No. No way.  That's not in Liverpool. It's on the Wirral.

Julianna:                                True Freddie. But we're allowed to cross the river, you know.

Freddie:                                 If you dare to go over to the dark side!

Margot:                                  Isn't it odd how most cities divided by a river have this enmity.

Freddie:                                 Oh, it's not the city on both sides of the river. Margot. No way!  Liverpool is north of the river Mersey, when you cross over it, it's another country called The Wirral.

Margot:                                  Is that true, Julianna?

Julianna:                                Spot on, Margot. He's right. It is Another Place. But there is no border control. We are allowed to cross over without even a passport. And I shall continue to do so! In fact, I think I'll take Sammy over at the weekend. Check to see if my bread tastes anything like Cory's.

Caroline:                                Who is Cory? What are we talking about now?  I'm so confused.

Julianna:                                Cory is the chef at the Nickel City Kitchen Cafe.

Margot:                                  Sorry Caro. Let's get back to sourdough bakeries.

DUNCAN:                          There are a few sourdough bakeries here in Edinburgh. But none around where I live.

FREDDIE:                          Well, there you are, Duncie. Set one up yourself!

DUNCAN:                           [LAUGHS] Oh, I don't think so, Freddie. I'm not ready for that just yet.

MARGOT:                          Yet? You mean you are thinking of it?

ROSEMARY:                     I thought you already had a job, Duncan. Don't you make games and stuff? That's a pretty cool job, I would've thought. My boyfriend says it's the best job in the world, if you can get it.

FREDDIE:                          [SPLUTTERS] **ckhead.

CAROLINE:                       Freddie!!!

DUNCAN:                          It's ok, thank you Rosemary. But I don't want to do it forever.

MARGOT:                         Now that's interesting.

DUNCAN:                          But I've got a lot to learn before I'd start thinking I could do this for a living.

MARGOT:                          But you are thinking of it? Duncan? Are you really interested in giving it a go as a baker?

FREDDIE:                         I was kidding!!

MARGOT:                           We know that, Freddie. But sometimes the best ideas are spoken first in jest. And I think it's a great idea. You're really enjoying this, aren't you Duncan?

DUNCAN:                           Ye-es... But you need more than just enjoying yourself, don't you Margot? You need skills , real skill. And it would have to be more than just sourdough bread, wouldn't it?

MARGOT:                           Not necessarily. You could start off with a pop up stall, maybe in a local market, and sell different sizes, shapes of loaves, and a few buns, rolls. Things like that.

DUNCAN:                          Really? I hadn't thought of that.

JULIANNA:                        And you'd need a proper set up with the equipment, I think the health and safety people have lots of rules and regulations.

DUNCAN:                           Yes, I've started looking into that. A bit daunting, to be honest.

CAROLINE:                        But it would be absolutely marvellous, Duncan! Just imagine, one of my students becoming a professional baker!!

FREDDIE:                          Your students???

MARGOT:                          Yes, of course it would, Caro. Absolutely marvellous. Maybe not just the one either. I think everybody is doing really well.

ROSEMARY:                     Except me.

MARGOT:                          That's not true, Rosemary. Your loaf this week is quite acceptable. It is a sourdough loaf. It looks good, I bet it smells good, and I know it will taste good.

FREDDIE:                          You just have to stop Mr NaySayer from throwing it in the bin before you can cut yourself a slice.

ROSEMARY:                      Mr Who?

DUNCAN AND JULIANNA:   Dr Who!!

FREDDIE:                              No!! Dr Who is one of the good guys.

CAROLINE:                           Who?

DUNCAN :                             Dr Who.

CAROLINE:                           Who is a doctor?

DUNCAN :                             Yes, he certainly is.

CAROLINE:                           Who is?

MARGOT:                          Alright children. That's enough of that. Caroline you know perfectly well who Dr Who is.

CAROLINE:                        I have no idea what you are talking about. This is all nonsense to me. I know who Freddie is referring to, and it's very rude of him, I'm sure Rosemary is highly offended.

ROSEMARY:                     Me? Who said anything about me?

MARGOT:                          No one did, Rosemary. Let's change the subject please. I need to set you a challenge for next week... Now then. I want you to bake a wholemeal loaf this time. You need to replace ABOUT 50 grams, or 2 oz of your strong white flour with some kind of wholemeal, or wheatmeal, or even rye flour. Or a combination of the both.   Mix it through your white flour with a whisk, and then carry on with the rest of the process as usual. But be prepared to add a tablespoon or so extra of your warm water, if you think it's too dry when you first mix everything together. You are aiming for the same texture as usual.

CAROLINE:                        But can't you give us exact measurements, please Margot. It's so much easier when you do that.

MARGOT:                           I know it is. But you'll never learn to judge it for yourself unless you have to figure it out for yourself. With your actual hands. I'm not here to make it easy for you. I'm here to help you to do it well.

CAROLINE:                        Oh dear [SHE'S ALMOST IN TEARS]

MARGOT:                           It's only flour and water, folks. Remember that. You're not spending a lot of money on it, so be prepared to fail, and fail again. Fail better. I'm sure somebody much wiser than I has already spoken those words.

DUNCAN:                           Beckett!

JULIANNA:                         Beckett!!

FREDDIE:                           Who?

ROSEMARY:                       Well it's definitely not Dr Who!!! [GENERAL LAUGHTER FROM   EVERYONE]

Duncan:                                 But it could have been!

END

FLLOYD:                               That was Episode 5 in this limited season programme - limited series if you like - only 3 more episodes to go.

You heard Christopher McDougall as Duncan, Andrew Durning as Malcy, Wendy Lap as Heather, and Rosemary, Erika Sanderson as Julianna, Flloyd Kennedy as Edie and Margot, Rob Pensalfini as Dr Arthur Brownlow, Andrea Richardson as Caroline and Roy R Carruthers as Freddie. The music is arranged, composed and performed by John T La Barbera.

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