Baking Bad

SCENE 1 AUSTRALIA Margot, Edie

MARGOT LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY

KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

MARGOT:                             yes?  Come in, it's not locked. [LAUGHING MORE]

DOOR OPENS

EDIE:                                      Hi Margot.  You busy?

MARGOT:                             Edie!  No, not at all. Come on through.

EDIE:                                      What's so funny?

MARGOT:                             Oh.  You have got to see this. Here, pull that chair over.

EDIE:                                      It's on the computer?  Did you get a good meme on Facebook.

MARGOT:                             Not a meme.  Here, look at this. 

EDIE:                                      Ooh.  What is it? 

MARGOT:                             Good question.  I'll tell you what it's meant to be, but by crickey, it does not look like it. Have a guess... Go on.

EDIE:                                      We-ell.  It look like... a ...

MARGOT:                             Yes.  It look just like... go on!

EDIE:                                      It looks like a brick?

MARGOT:                             Ha ha!  Yeah.  That's exactly what it look like.

EDIE:                                      But why on earth are you looking at it?  It's weird.

MARGOT:                             Remember that Zoom class I was supposed to be teaching?

EDIE:                                      Oh no.  Did you poison someone?

MARGOT:                             I know it looks like I tried to But no.  This is someone's first attempt at making sour dough bread. From my instructions Hahahahah! Oh dear. Who would have thought?

EDIE:                                      Oh... Oh my goodness.  Are they posting it online for a laugh?

MARGOT:                             Not at all.  This is what it says "here's my very first attempt at a sour bread loaf, can't wait to try it."

EDIE:                                      Is he very young? 

MARGOT:                             Nope. His name is Freddie, and I strongly suspect this is the first thing he has ever actually baked in his life.  He's been showing up at Caroline's online cookery classes ever since she started them in lockdown, and she assures me he never actually cooks anything. 

EDIE:                                      Oh, Well!  In that case, well done you?  You got him to actually have a go at it!

MARGOT:                             I guess.  But once he tries to cut into that, - well... he's probably going to need a chain saw.  But you're right. He had a go.  Well done Freddie.  I'm going to give him a 'like'.

EDIE:                                      Not a cuddle?

MARGOT:                             There's a cuddle clicky thing? 

EDIE:                                      Yes. Hover your curser over the "like" and you'll see the emoji, it' looks a bit like giving someone a cuddle. Supposed to show that you care. Supporting them.

MARGOT:                             Oh.  I wondered what that was.  Thought it might be something rude, just for the young folk, so I've been steering clear of it. 

EDIE:                                      Sometimes the safest way, isn't it.

MARGOT:                             Yep.  But if it just shows I care, well.  I do. Oh!  Hang on! Oh, I see what it is! It's clutching a heart to itself.  [SIGHING LAUGH].

EDIE:                                      You're still running the class?

MARGOT:                             I missed it last time. But I'll going online first thing in the morning. I'll just have to contain my mirth. Now. What can I do for you?

EDIE:                                      Oh, nothing. I just thought I'd pop by to see how you are.

MARGOT:                             Have you been talking to Arthur?

EDIE:                                      Ye-es. 

MARGOT:                             Uh-huh. 

EDIE:                                      Sorry.

MARGOT:                             Huh!  Nothing to be sorry about. Very kind of you both. And I'm absolutely fine.  How about you?

EDIE:                                      I'm good.

MARGOT:                             No, you're not.  You look exhausted. You been baby sitting again?

EDIE:                                      [SIGH]. Yes.  And I do love it. Being with them. It's just..

MARGOT:                             It's just that they are a handful. Two handfuls. And that's what parents are for. Grandparents are for having fun with them. Not handling them, for days on end.

EDIE:                                      I know. And they do too. Which is why they have decided to get an au pair.

MARGOT:                             Oh wow! 

EDIE:                                      Yes....

MARGOT:                             And you feel--what?  Are you pleased?

EDIE:                                      hmph.  Sort of.  Yes.  And no.  I know they need someone younger and stronger to help, but now I feel guilty, that they will have to spend all that money. 

MARGOT:                             Now Edie!  You are a one.

EDIE:                                      One what?

MARGOT:                             One, Singular, Sensation!   Uniquely a very kind, generous human being. Don't feel guilty about that. It's their money, not yours. Eh?

EDIE:                                      Ah you're right.  But I remember how my mother helped me. And I want to do the same.

MARGOT:                             Didn't you have your kids while you were still in your early twenties?   And your mother was barely into her 40s?

EDIE:                                      Yes. I know.  And Sylvie was nearly 40 when she had these two.

MARGOT:                             Exactly.  And there's a huge difference between 40s and 60s.  Am I right?

EDIE:                                      So right. 

MARGOT:                             Thank you. So sit back, take it easy, I'll put the kettle on. And you can take a look at the rest of these images my students have posted. Give me a shout if you see anything interesting.

CHAIR SCRAPES BACK, FOOTSTEPS LEADING AWAY.

EDIE:                                      Oh my [LAUGHING]

MARGOT:                             [FROM THE KITCHEN] What is it?

EDIE:                                      Oh, you' have got to see this one. Someone called Rosemary?

SCENE 2 ENGLAND Julianna, Duncan, Angelica

JULIANNA ON THE PHONE TO DUNCAN

JULIANNA:                            And did you see Rosemary's?  It's like the leaning tower of Pisa!

DUNCAN:                              Hold on, I'll need to scroll down. Oh! [LAUGHS] Oh yes. Wow! What a rise!!!  Looks amazing. It's like all the air missing from Freddie's loaf went into hers.

JULIANNA:                            That's what I thought!

DUNCAN:                              You know, I don't feel quite as bad, looking at these.  Does that make me a bad person?

JULIANNA:                            Oh for goodness sake, Duncan!  Yours actually looks like a sourdough loaf! And it's the only one that does.  What does it taste like?

DUNCAN:                              hmmm. Not bad. Close, but to be honest - just a hint of that sourdough flavour. How about yours?

JULIANNA:                            Well, I'd say it's edible, but only if you like ordinary bread. No real flavour at all.

DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS ENTERING THE ROOM

ANGELICA:                           [FROM THE DOOR] Hi Jules! Sorry I'm late. Tesco was mad busy.  I'll put the stuff in the fridge, shall I?  Oh, you're on a call. Sorry.

JULIANNA:                            Thank you darling. I shan't be long.

ANGELICA:                           [CLOSER] Hey. He's cute!

JULIANNA:                            Go away.

ANGELICA:                           Ooh! Is it a secret assignation?  Jullianna!! Have you got a toy boy?

DUNCAN:                              [LAUGHS]

JULIANNA:                            Stop it.  Oh, come here and say hello to Duncan.

ANGELICA:                           [NEXT TO JULIANNA] Hi Duncan!  Who are you?

JULIANNA:                            He's my baking buddy from the cookery class.  Now go away.

ANGELICA:                           You've been baking.  Woo hoo.  I'm off to sample the spoils.

FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR BANGS.

JULIANNA:                            Sorry about that Duncan. My baby sister has no filter whatsoever.

DUNCAN:                              Oh, not to worry.  Your sister? Does she work at Tesco's?

JULIANNA:                            Yes. She picks up... oh, whatsits, thingumbobs, what are they called? When they drop the price... Oh, I'm sorry Duncan, brain fog ... bargains!!! Oh that's is so annoying. Sorry.

DUNCAN:                              What are you apologising for?

JULIANNA:                            Never mind.  Believe me, you don't want to know.  Anyway...where was I - oh yes, she picks up the bargains  for me the end of the day when she can. I asked her to come over and be with Sammy tonight, while I'm on the call. Just can't cope with both at once just now.

DUNCAN:                              Oh well that's nice. Maybe I should get my friend Malcy to babysit my landlady so she doesn't try to gatecrash it again.

JULIANNA:                            [LAUGHS] Now there's a thought.  Oh. Look at the time.  Better get on.

DUNCAN:                              Me too. See you later.

SCENE 3

BACK TO ZOOM. CLATTER OF CROCKERY AND CHAIRS AND CONVERSATIONS.

CAROLINE:                          Oh please. Everybody.  Mute yourselves!  What a din.

ROSEMARY:                        Sorry!

FREDDIE:                             Oh. Mute. I forgot about that. Hey Caroline!

CAROLINE:                          Yes Freddie.

FREDDIE:                             Is Margot coming tonight?

ZOOM ENTRY DING

CAROLINE:                          Yes, that's probably her now. So mute yourself so that I can concentrate. There now. Margot!

MARGOT:                             Caro!!

CAROLINE:                          I'm so glad you could make it.  Now, are you absolutely sure you are up to it?  We don't want you having another relapse in the middle of the class, do we?

MARGOT:                             Nooo.  No I'm pretty sure we don't want that.  Thank you for being so considerate, Caroline.  Are we ready to start?

CAROLINE:                          Still waiting for a couple of [DING. DING] Oh. Here they are. Just a minute... Duncan. There you are.  Oh, and Juliannna.  At last.

JULIANNA:                            Oh!  Are we late?  I thought it didn't start till 9?

DUNCAN:                              Me too.

CAROLINE:                          Well of course.  But everybody else is here, and we're all ready to start.  Unless - are you ready, Margot? Do you need anything?  Just let me know. I'm here to help you.

MARGOT:                             Wonderful.  So good to know that, Caro.  Yes, I'm ready.

CAROLINE:                          Right then.  Over to you.  Oh!  Did you see the photos everybody posted on the Facebook page?  Should I send you the link?  I can do that in the chat now--

MARGOT:                             All good thanks Caroline.  Yes, I saw the images. And the first think I want to say to you all, is Congratulations!  Well done you.  You managed to get your first loaves into the oven, and back out again. Oh, Freddie, I see you've got your hand up.  Yes?  Freddie, your mouth is moving, but I can't hear a thing... Freddie!  Freddie stop talking, and unmute yourself. There you go. What were you saying?

FREDDIE:                             I was just saying, mine didn't look like the others. Is that good or bad?

MARGOT:                             It's neither good, nor bad, Freddie. It's just different.  Now, I wonder, Freddie.  Did you try it?  What did it taste like?

FREDDIE:                             Tasted ok to me.  Had it with peanut butter and cheese.

MARGOT:                             Ooh! Interesting.

FREDDIE:                             Is that not right?  Are you only supposed to eat it with avocado? 

MARGOT:                             Not at all.

FREDDIE:                             It's just that I didn't have anything else in the house, you know, proper bread, or biscuits, so I thought I'd try it. Tasted ok to me.

MARGOT:                             Wonderful. I'm so glad to hear that. 

FREDDIE:                             But I still don't understand why mine looks so different to everybody else's.

MARGOT:                             Well, be patient. We'll get round to that. Now Rosemary.  Rosemary?  Are you with us?

ROSEMARY:                        Yes. Sorry. Just finishing off a phone call from my boyfriend. He called up to say my loaf looked ridiculous.  Do you think it looks ridiculous, Margot?  I was quite pleased with it. But maybe it should be more like Freddie's?

MARGOT:                             Don't you worry about it, darling. 

FREDDIE:                             That boyfriend sounds ridiculous to me.

CAROLINE:                          Now then Freddie!  I've warned you about making personal comments in this group.

FREDDIE:                             Well he shouldn't be saying things like that. Should he, Margot?  If he said that to me, he'd be in for a good kicking

MARGOT:                             Quite so, Freddie. Thank you for defending Rosemary. And - ah, well, while I think Rosemary's loaf does look quite entertaining... that's in a good way. Now Rosemary, I have a question for you.

ROSEMARY:                        Ye-es? 

MARGOT:                             How long did you prove the final dough for, before you put it in the oven.

ROSEMARY:                        You mean, after I took it out of the fridge, when it was already in the loaf tin?

MARGOT:                             Yes, sweetheart. The final prove.  How long did you leave it?

ROSEMARY:                        About, umm, about 3 hours?

MARGOT::                            Ah.  Well, that's probably why it was so high.  How did it taste?

ROSEMARY:                        Was that too long?  Not long enough?  I meant to do it after half an hour, like you said, but Edward needed me to go shopping for him, and I didn't get back before noon, so I just put it in then.

MARGOT:                             Well, that explains it. That's what happens when you 'over proof' the dough. But how did it taste?

ROSEMARY:                        I thought it was ok. 

FREDDIE:                             What did 'Edward' think?

ROSEMARY:                        Oh, he didn't like it.  He just thinks I'm pretty useless when it comes to baking.

MARGOT:                             So he actually tried it, did he?

ROSEMARY:                        Oh no. He just thought it wouldn't taste any good.

FREDDIE:                             Huh. [MUFFLED] Dick head.

MARGOT:                             Indeed.  Now, Julianna.  How about yours.  Did you enjoy eating it?  What about that boy of yours, Sammy?  Did you try it on him?

JULIANNA:                            Oh, Sammy eats just about anything I put in front of him. Most unusual child, I know.  But it was ok. It tasted like bread. Just didn't seem to be different from regular bread. You know. From the shops.

MARGOT:                             Right.  So not a complete disaster.  Well, you are on the right track. Just need a bit more practise to get more of a bounce to it.

JULIANNA:                            But Duncan's looks really good, doesn't' it?

MARGOT:                             Yes.  Very impressive, young Duncan.  Did you cheat?

DUNCAN:                              What?  Cheat?  How?  I didn't buy it, if that's what you mean.

MARGOT:                             No. [lLAUGHING]. I didn't think you did.  Beginner's luck? Or Youtube?

DUNCAN:                              Bit of both.  Is that allowed?

MARGOT:                             Absolutely!  There's so much good stuff on Youtube, most of the bread making videos are pretty good.

DUNCAN:                              The one I found helpful, showed how the different proving times made such a difference.

FREDDIE:                             Hang on a minute. What's all this proof, proving thing you keep on about.

MARGOT:                             That's the time when you leave the dough you've mixed up, to rise.

FREDDIE:                             Rise? Up where?

MARGOT:                             Up to twice its size, Freddie.  Did you do that?

FREDDIE::                            No. I just mixed it all up, together,  like Caroline tells us when we bake a cake, and put it in the oven.

MARGOT:                             I had a funny feeling--

CAROLINE:                          Freddie, you told me you never actually made one of my cakes.  So now you're telling me you did?

FREDDIE:                             Oh, no. Caroline.  I never made one of yours  But I always listen to the instructions. You know that. I really do listen very carefully. And you are such a great teacher--

CAROLINE:                          Oh!  Am I?  Oh!  How very kind of you to say so.

MARGOT:                             Right well, I'm so glad we got that sorted.  Now, do you all want to keep going with the sourdough bread?

JULIANNA:                            Oh yes, please Margot!  I really do want to get the hang of it.

DUNCAN:                              Me too!

MARGOT:                             And did you get my message about preparing the starter for this week's session?  Oh goodie, lots of thumbs up. And you've measured out AND mixed the flour and salt in one bowl, with the warm water in another one? More thumbs up. Ok. So now, tip your starter into the water, and give it a mix.

ROSEMARY:                        Should we use a whisk, Margot?

MARGOT:                             Nope. Use your fingers. Just dunk them into the mixture and swirl it around a bit.

LIQUID SLOSHING SOUNDS.

Good. Just work the lumps into the water, and don't bother about making it absolutely smooth.  .... Right. Now.  Carefully, tip that mixture into the middle of your flour and salt bowl. And start to draw the flour into the liquid, still with your fingers. 

FREDDIE:                             It's really sticky--

MARGOT:                             And don't worry about it sticking to your fingers, the more you do it, the easier it will get.  Be patient.  Imagine you are a small child, and you don't care if your fingers are mucky or not.

ROSEMARY:                        Ooh! It's quite fun!

DUNCAN:                              It is, isn't it!

MARGOT:                             Now you can see what I'm doing, just pushing it off my fingers every now and then, and making sure I'm collecting the dry flour from the sides of the bowl.

ROSEMARY:                        Oh. It does get easier, doesn't it!

MARGOT:                             And make sure you go right down to the bottom of the bowl, to dig up what is stuck there, and mix that in. See what I'm doing? Look, can you see the bottom of my bowl?  Caroline, it is showing up in the camera?  I can't see both at once.

CAROLINE:                          Oh, yes, we can all see it, thank you Margot. [MUTTERS] I never would have thought of that! 

FREDDIE:                             I've got a lump!  It's all one big lump!

MARGOT:                             Oh well done, Freddie. That's marvellous.  Show us. Pick it up and show us.  There now!  Everybody!  Do you see that? 

JULIANNA:                            I can see that.  But mine is nothing like that. It's more craggy and sloppy.

MARGOT:                             Shaggy.  That is the technical term for the quality of what you've got there, Julianna. And it's absolutely fine. You could add a tiny little bit more flour, see how that feels. But don't try to pick it up.  I'll just say, Freddie, yours is fine too, but next time, you want to add a teeny tiny bit more water.  

FREDDIE:                             But I measured it out! I really did!

JULIANNA:                            But it's not an exact science, is it?

MARGOT:                             Look, it depends on the brand of flour you use, the temperature of the water, the temperature in the room, it's always going to be a bit different every time you do it.

Julianna:                                That's what Cory said!

Margot:                                  Oh! And who is Cory?

Julianna:                                Oh sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'd completely forgotten, but now I remember him telling me how it tastes different wherever you go, because the yeast from the bacteria is different everywhere you go.

Freddie:                                 Yes, but who is he? How come he is such an expert

Julianna:                                Because he runs his own restaurant, in New Brighton, and he bakes all his own bread. And we were there for a meal a few weeks ago, and I asked him about it. And he said I should try making it myself. And that is why I joined the course.

Margot:                                  Well, good for Cory.  And he's absolutely right. So as well as measuring everything carefully, it is just as important to learn, over time, with lots of practice, how the dough feels, literally, feels in your hands, and the time it turns out really well, and try to get that feeling whenever you do it.

FREDDIE:                             But I don't understand--

MARGOT:                             Freddie, yours is absolutely fine.  Tell me, does it feel solid?  is it still pliable, I mean can you change the shape of it?

FREDDIE:                             Well I'll try--

MARGOT:                             Try stretching it.

FREDDIE:                             Like this?

DUNCAN:                              Wow!  That's amazing Freddie!

MARGOT:                             That is absolutely wonderful, great stretching.  Now fold it in half, and do that again. 

FREDDIE:                             What?  Like this?

MARGOT:                             Absolutely like that, Freddie. Hah.  Oh dear.  You've got the knack alright! 

FREDDIE:                             How about this?

MARGOT:                             Now that is just showing off.  Put it away, Freddie.  It is ready for its first proving.

JULIANNA:                            [QUITE MISERABLE] Mine isn't ball shaped.  It's more like...

ROSEMARY:                        Like what?  More like what, Julianna?

JULIANNA:                            More like half baked porridge.

ROSEMARY:                        Ew.  I hate porridge.

JULIANNA:                            Well, what's yours like?

ROSEMARY:                        mmm. I don't know.  It's kind of like a squishy basketball, that's had some of the air inside let out.

MARGOT:                             That's fine too, Rosemary. Don't worry about it. Now, everyone, cover your bowl with some clingfilm, or a damp cloth, and let's move on. We're going to leave it for half an hour, and--

CAROLINE:                          And that lets us go into our breakout rooms to share our experiences so far.  Are you ready?

EVERYONE:                         Sure/yes/ let's do it/ not that again/who am I with this time?

SCENE 4 Angelica, Julianna

FADING OUT WITH SOME MUSIC. JULIANNA QUIETLY WEEPING

ANGELICA:                           That's him down!  Out like a light - Jules!  Sweetheart!  Are you alright?  What is it?

JULIANNA:                            It's nothing. I'm fine. Thank so much for doing that.

ANGELICA:                           Not at all. I love spending time with him. So tell me, what is it?

JULIANNA:                            I'm fine. Just a bit of a cold

ANGELICA:                           Don't you try to bluff me.

JULIANNA:                            Where's Ade?  Did he get his dinner?

ANGELICA:                           Yes he did.  Sammy took it to him, and he ate it in his work room/office/thingy room.  Didn't look all that safe with all those metal shavings around.

JULIANNA:                            I know. It's a worry.  But he won't be told.

ANGELICA:                           So how was the Zoom? 

JULIANNA:                            It was fine.

ANGELICA:                           And how was your "baking buddy"?

JULIANNA:                            Who?

ANGELICA:                           Your baking buddy!  The hottie you were talking to when I arrived.  Wasn't he on the call too?

JULIANNA:                            Yes. Along with all the other participants.

ANGELICA:                           But you don't have one to one Skype calls with them, do you?

JULIANNA:                            What are you getting at?

ANGELICA:                           Not getting at anything.  I just want to know what's going on.  Why were you crying when I came in. And don't give me that I've got a cold nonsense. You were  - you are - upset.  Is it Ade? Are you two--

JULIANNA:                            What? No!!! Ade and me, we are just fine. And Sammy is fine. And I am just fine. Except when I'm not, and there is no reason for it, apart from my age.

ANGELICA:                           Your age?  What?  What on earth are you talking about?  You're not even 50.

JULIANNA:                            Exactly.  I'm not even 50, and I'm... [RESTRAINING HERSELF FROM SWEARING]  menopausal!  And I can be perfectly fine and happy and La La La one minute, and blubbing all over the place the next.  And I hate it! I hate it so much!  It's awful and I'm so sorry Angel! You really don't need to hear this!

ANGELICA:                           On the contrary.  I do so need to hear this. It's going to happen to me eventually, and I want to know what it will be like, before it hits me. So talk to me.

JULIANNA:                            But--

ANGELICA:                           No buts.  Talk to me.  I'm a big girl now, you know. I can handle it. You taught me that, Jules, you raised me, you did a good job,I am the proof of that!

JULIANNA:                            [LAUGHS]

 ANGELICA:                          What?  What are you laughing at?

JULIANNA:                            Yes, you are right. [STARTS TO GIGGLE]  I did a good job, just the right amount of leaving you to prove, you are a perfectly well-risen loaf [LAUGHING, GETTING A BIT HYSTERICAL]

ANGELICA:                           Oh, I am, am I.  Well, come here, big sis, and give me a baker's hug.

JULIANNA:                            mmmm-mmmmm.  By god, I needed that....  Thank you...

ANGELICA:                           Any time. And you jolly well stick around till it's my turn!

END